Erohime Class Graduation (卒業式はカラオケｄｅ)

皆さん、ご苦労様でした！！！

After a year of watching the trials and tribulations of  Itou san x Ogawa san x Lee san x Anand san x Kim san , we finally graduated from Pre-advanced  Japanese. I’ll never forget the scene when Ogawa san had a romantic lunch date with Lee san; and Anand san’s uke voice. Kawaii lai de.

Many thanks to our dear sensei Kikuchi san and fun-loving classmates. Thank you for the tears and toned abdominals from laughing too hard. 

You guys made my Sundays worthwhile. (^p^)

For our last lesson, sensei made us present a short story composed of pictures.

She probably regretted doing so because it revealed the dark side of the class for the first time.

Virtually every group presented a morbid, if not creepy, ending for the stories they told.

One ending was, the boy called Kenji was run over by a car and his sister waited for his return only to receive a call late one night… from her brother.

For my part, I acted as a creepy obasan who kills the kid runner, Tsubasa, after he delivered a packet of white powder to her. The next scene was the creepy obasan was chopping some meat and humming to herself happily,「翼君のお陰で、今晩美味しい肉を食べられるわｖ」

Another ending tells of the psychotic step mother who stabs her adopted son to death. This is the most painful show to watch because we nearly split our sides from laughing too hard as WeeGin san started cutting paper like a psycho and running around trying to stab his co-actress. The funniest part was after the murder, WeeGin told the class he’s gonna share the meat with the neighbours.

The consequence of having such bloody stories told was during dinner time when sukiyaki was served, we started calling the strips of meat Kenji kun and Tsubasa kun. Mmmm…

After class ended, we headed to NYDC for a cuppa and our sensei launched us into a deep discussion on the dating culture of Singapore and Japan.

Thanks to our ero-jiji who showed us 1 point English.

My classmate gives good ’ed (ucation) www

Apparently it is common to have pre-marital sex in Japan and similar to its American and British counterparts, remaining a virgin at the age of 30 is a badge of shame. Oh, don’t get me started on the definition of virginity.

According to sensei, it is no surprise if the couple are physically intimate after a week of dating.

Imagine her surprise when she realised all 4 of us, aged 19-30 years, are still physically virgins.

Especially the guys, the ero-jijis of the class, have never been involved in a physical relationship before. Or so they claimed.

The only relationship I ever had was brain sex which lasted 3 nights through Skype.

The funniest was when our 32 year old classmate shyly told sensei he never made out with his girl friend whom he’d been dating for a year now.

Our sensei just couldn’t believe it. She kept repeating her question and expressing doubt www 

You guys are soooooo good! Come on, come on Toshi. Come on!

3 days in Chennai and a week in Tamil Nadu – An experience worth more than 3 years at home

I have never considered India a travel destination in my life until a fellow dungpicker and friend, Radeeca, invited me to her wedding in Chennai, India.

In my mind, I can only visualise images taken from a Bollywood movie and Slumdog Millionaire.
A dark human flotsam with Tata Steel cars and autos swirling in the dusty, garbage lined streets.
The chugging of smoking diesel engines and tongue twisting exchanges in the various Indian dialects provide a continuous assault to the ears.
Smog and flies blooming in the air as strays and beggars pick at heaps of litter for some scraps.
Water which guarantees a quick and prolonged laxative effect to the foreign stomach.
The state of the public toilets that is too shocking to imagine.

The 4-hour flight on Striped Cat Airways to Chennai was awful.
The seats were cramped with hardly any foot room to speak of.
The varied odours of its passengers made my nostrils cry.
Even my fellow travellers who could sit through 10 hour flights started to swear that this was the worst flight they’ve ever took.

I hardly slept and was eager to get off the plane, even if it lands in Afghanistan.
Thus I was happy to cough up a few extra hundred bucks for my 2nd trip to South India via S.Ingapore Airlines.

Once we stepped out of the airport, the odour of the city never fails to prickle my olfactory nerves.
A pungent mix of turmeric, drainwater and dust.
Shops of all sizes and colours line along the crowded streets and yellow three-wheelers zip through the spaces between larger vehicles like Indian Initial D.

Unlike the retail clones that cover Singapore, India’s shops and stalls are one of a kind. I’ve yet to come across 2 shops which look identical and sell identical stuff.
Gangly indian men were peddling pirated books, decorative accessories, shirts, slippers, household wares, food, toys… anything to lure the ruppee out a tourist’s pocket.
The real temptation for me lies in the marbled walls of saree emporiums such as Pothi’s and Kumaran Silks.
I vowed never to buy a saree as the only time I could ever use it is for racial harmony day.
I yielded to the platimun service (Saree for you Madame?) and luscious silks which the male sales assistants unfurl with no hesitation.

Gee, what am I going to do with 4 sarees? (^p^)

Thanks to my dear friend Radeeca, I had the opportunity witness a Brahmin wedding and to don in a saree for the occassion.

For my 2nd trip to South India, I joined Bavanee and her family to visit the famous temples of Tamil Nadu.
I felt really fortunate to have them smuggle me into the sacred heart of the temple which houses the statue of the residing god. All I had to do was paste a bindi on my forehead, dress in a chudi or saree and call one of Bavanee’s aunts my mother-in-law.

When some local priests started yelling at me and gesturing for me to stay outside (I forgot my bindi), I realised how the blacks must have felt during the apartheid to be ostracised just because of the colour of their skin.
I was a little worried too that I would be spending the rest of the trip staring at the intricate gorpurams outside the temple grounds like a lone tourist.
I did feel a little upset and incredulous that the same bloody priest still refused to shut his trap even after Bavanee’s family told him I’m a Chinese Hindu.
Well, it’s an isolated case.

We did not encounter any similar problems for the next few temples.
The priests blessed us all the same. More blessings in the form of sachets of holy ash and flowers if one offers some ruppees.
Every temple’s interior is lavishly covered in ornate carvings and surrounded by columns of Yali (a mythical creature) or divine figures in a state of dance. Unfortunately, no photography is allowed within the inner sanctum. Perhaps because the cameras would have been crushed to smithereens by the raging human throng as people jostled to pay homage to the deity.

After traversing through rain-soaked rice fields, unkempt towns, damaged roads in this 2nd trip, seeing how the locals could survive the dust-covered faces of poverty and urban chaos, I finally tasted contentment and appreciation for the modern comforts I took for granted such as hygiene, urban planning, clean roads, order.
When in India, expect chaos and the unexpected.

That’s why it enthralls me, the shifting beauty and ugliness of the Indian landscape, the excitement when one consumes his lunch without knowing how the dish was prepared or what was contained inside, the dizzying array of colourful cloths and glittering jewellery waiting to adorn, the heat and smell of steamy garbage piles as dust-colored cows scavenge for morsels of food in the parking lot.
The chaos and disorder invaded my senses, pillaged my lofty expectations and robbed me of my discontent.
All that was left was gratitude in my heart for what I had.
The routine and order of modern life.
The access to India’s sacred temples where the ancient sages carved the secrets of the universe into stone.
Everything, the pains and the joys, that brought me to where I am now.

Goodbye DT, Hello … bum. (童貞バイバイ、転職組みなる)

My last working day was 20th November 2009.
The week was full of pleasant and not-so-pleasant surprises.
Let’s start with the unpleasantries.
I was forced to sign out of the unassigned log after I rejected the Resource Mashing Terminator’s request to help out the SevereMentalBreakdown team after 2 assistants and a laptop fell ill.
Well, good luck to Severe Mental Breakdown team because the core continuity Chin Jean and I are gone.
For goodness sakes, I have my own planning to do for my own job and the charge code was not opened even on my last day.
Anyhow, other than having to work till 8.30pm everyday, bringing home some crap to clear and breaking my thumbnail to half, the unpleasant stuff is just about it.

Now for the nice stuff.
I discovered the first person in Deloitte who actually shares the same interest in a particular genre *cough 801 cough*!!!
And she’s none other than my co-auditor in charge.

Lion’s Tail and 1wRong had a slight change in their work schedules and were able to make it back to office to send me off.
Shar was in office too, getting herself sick over Pee&Gee, Byecom and other little pieces of dung.


The lavender card with no smell… …but with lots of love inside (^w^)
Thank you my dearies!

The assistant who braved the scoldings and suffering with me at SevereMentalBreakdown last year came down to the 28th floor for the first time. It’s almost like fate brought her done to take a photo with me on my last day. Woohoo!

All the inhabitants of the particular cursed row with bad fengshui were all present too to send me off (except for Rocky).
The last of these is Chua KK whose last day is on my birthday, 8th Dec. Ironically, he’s the 1st to initiate the ‘break up’ with Delete & Touch Tomatoes.


Another leaver is Mars, who’s seconded to the China office.

I’m going to miss all my dear friends and fellow dungpickers at Delete Touch and Tomatoes…
The friendly administrative staff on 31st floor…
Amoy Food centre and ABC juice …
Even some of my favourite dung clients like SevereMentalBreakdown…

Well, as for this, I won’t miss it. Hell no.

Missed target

I guess a good thing about keeping things under wraps is when things go wrong, it is kept out of sight.

It saves everyone a lot of embarrassment and explanation.

Dear reader, you must be wondering what shit I’ve got myself into this time.
It’s a little emotional splatter. Nothing serious.
Okay, the background (minus all the delicious bits to spare your delicate moral being):

-Met J in J’s paintchat and was drawn (sorry for the pun) by the lovely Frioniel in the most compromising positions

- J left comments in my Teblog with enthusiasm overflowing

- During one of J’s echa, J initiated a Skype instant message session

-  (^p^) Unmentionables in said Skype session

- Unmentionables continue for the 3rd night until J requested to see my picture whereby I directed J to this blog

- After that, J is suddenly caught up with other paint chat sessions and activities (or so I’ve been told by J).

- I sent a message via Teblog to end it all

- Regretted action after receiving J’s reply that J was sorry for not being the One

- Replied with an apology and requested to reconcile once more but J’s next reply was ‘I will not chase after people who have gone out of my life’ 

The End someone online and we had cybrsx. (Somebody kill me.)

It was an overwhelming experience. Who would have thought mere words could have such a powerful influence on the mind and body. And in a foreign language to boot.
We shared things which should be kept private and there was a lot of romancing like exchanging love notes daily (for only 3 days).
Honestly, I desired this person enough to want to fly to see em.
All these in a span of two weeks.

The infatuation didn’t last.
For the other party that is.

I guess the anathema to the romance was my photo. Or my reticence. Or shame (What? Me? Ashamed?).

It took me 3 months to fully let it go (although my ego sometimes entertains the thought of redemption) especially after realising how childish it was to have a crush on someone I’ve never even seen before when I already have the love from the people around me.

As for the unmentionables?

I can get the same eye-rolling high by working out in the gym.

Status:AGM-Auditors Groovy Meeting

This was the 1st and last AGM I’ve attended in my prematurely aged life with Delete Touch Tomatoes.

I couldn’t care less about going to the party district in my office wear on the eve of Halloween.

I’m sure I look hideous enough with the battered company laptop and papers stuffed in my bag and looking zombified after a long, stormy and nauseating ride from Dieco Healthcare to Clarke Quay.

Lion’s Tail and gang had arrived and I joined them at a table piled with enough alcohol to make a Russian happy. There’s red and white wine, vodka allsorts and beer to drown in. The food was high in calories, saturated in oil and delicious. The menu ranged from mushroom puff, prawn fritters, corn nuggets (fortified with MSG), bowtie pasta, fried fish in thai sauce, bratwurst in cranberry (?) sauce, et cetera. After scarfing down the food, I felt a tad thirsty and it made me reach out for 2 glasses of red wine, 1 lime vodka, 1 orange vodka, 1 glass of white wine… which made me a tad tipsy.

After the boring lucky draw event, the floor was open to all to get into the groove. Lion’s tail and me requested for ‘Dragonstadt Din Tei’, which the DJ only understood after I wrote ‘Chicken Little’ on the napkin. The song was dedicated to Jean Dac who is a splitting image of the nerdy little chick.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Abstinence makes the body groove harder.

I really missed those nights of frenzied dancing and letting the music take over. The last time I clubbed was 2 years ago (;w;)

I wanted to dance so bad I dragged Lion’s tail to the floor with me. And when the crowd got bigger, we were pushed to the back, against the bar top. We ended up sitting on the bartop. Next thing I knew, I was shaking my ass on the  bar top and pulling Lion’s tail up along with me. I was so high I accidentally knocked my spectacles into the teeming mass of bodies below me. Goodbye visual clarity, hello hard buttshaking.

When we finally descended from the bar top and felt the ground under our feet, the thumping music kept us shaking and screaming like a bunch of crazed fans in a concert. We were high, we were free, we were absolutely drunk with booze and music.

We grooved till the wee hours of the night. My aching thighs and back are reminders of the excessive nocturnal workout we had. I was really amused when Lion’s tail told me she felt like she just got to know me that night. I guess I look too nerdy for anyone to believe that I used to club regularly years before. I left after talking to a seriously drunk KyaKyen who kept denying he was drunk. Being as blind as a mole (after losing my spectacles into the human abyss), Lion’s tail was sweet enough to lead me to the taxi stand. The queue was monstrous so I took a nightrider bus home. Thank god.

After groping around for railings and other tactile aids, I reached home at 3am, reeking of alcohol.

It was a night to remember.

After all, it’s my first time dancing on a bar top. \(^o^)/

Status:Resigned but still doing OT(残業)

It’s nearly 11 pm soon.

I’m still at Dieco Healthcare.

Shit.

I attempted to participate as a ROM in Tkmc san’s paintchat session this evening but had to leave just to focus on the crap in front of me.

The only thing that keeps me sane is that I’ve ‘graduated’ from Delete Touch and Tomatoes diet program as a senior.

Another blessing to count is that I’m merely a working senior for Dieco Healthcare.

There’s plenty of Milo and coffee in the pantry.

Plus, looking back, I’ve enjoyed those wonderful times when TOIL still existed.

So it still isn’t so bad (as compared to the current intake of assistants).

Status: Resigned (総辞職に参加します）

The resignation letter was typed, printed, folded and inserted neatly into the envelope.

All ready to be placed gently onto the human resources manager’s desk.

It has been a little bit more than 2 years of late nights and meaningless dungpicking in Delete Touch and Tomatoes LLP.

The beginning of rolling dung hills has led to the end.

Here are the general factors:

i) Abolishment of TOIL policy by the leaders of the industry. Obviously they have been deluded that all humans can subsist on air like them. No one (except the said leaders and anyone like them) is willing to work overtime when the time is not compensated.

ii) Decrease in pay increment. The leaders cut our pay but still retain the high charge out costs to the client. In our budgets, the time cost rate is retained when the actual cost (salary) is but a miniscule fraction to the total. Leaders thinned the budget in hourly terms to reflect lower costs. Now, why don’t I help them cut their costs by directly reducing the headcount?

iii) Inadequate resources for excess in jobs. Previously our leaders shifted the fresh batch of young dungpickers to other departments like Tex and Y’Are Ass, resulting in an inverted dungpicker’s pyramid, with excessive dung supervisors at the top and a handful of dung coolies to shovel the shit at the base.

On personal factors, I was completely disgusted by the load of fresh steaming jobs dumped on me. I didn’t get the old dung back. And to top off the chocolate mountain, they landed a Sing&Tell on me. At the last blooming minute.

Secondly, I see no point in wasting my time on a job I don’t like and don’t give a rat’s ass about. Do I see a future in audit? Hmm yes, I see emaciated bodies, clumps of torn black hair and dark smoke from the chimneys of an Auschwitz concentration camp.

Thirdly, I suck at it because it looks like a load of BS to me and I am utterly reluctant to do anything that looks like a load of BS. Tell me, will it save the ice caps from melting or relieve a child from hunger if there are more audits conducted? Hell f**king no.

These are push factors. And the pull factor?

Bumming and living a parasitic existence as an unemployed.

    \(^p^)/

Oh by the way, Happy belated Deepavali.

I was working overtime with the indian client on the eve of their holiday.

 

 

Online life

Remember my soft target, Chiryuu san?

It seems things are getting harder than what I’ve bargained for.

One thing’s for sure, I’m not a cyber-virgin anymore./////

Oh yea, and they say for my Bazi element, I’ll be getting a bit of peach blossom luck.

No one told me the peach blossom could be either gender.

Welcome to Erohime class! (現実もエロに逃げられない)

Ero – connotes sexual perversion in the Japanese language.
Example: Erojiji means chee ko pek or dirty old man, ‘jiji’ meaning old man or uncle.

I was stuck with the said adjective online for a period of time after a number of mature paintchat encounters…

Thus, to me, ero is a word that will never exist in the world of reality until today… …

So here’s some background information.
I’ve been learning Japanese for a year now at a private language school.
Due to the demanding nature of my job, I could only enrol for the Sunday classes.
It’s called the ‘Orihime’ class with about 14 students from all walks of life, from a university undergraduate, teachers, office workers to engineers.

Our Japanese sensei is a very vocal and gregarious woman and her outgoing personality made the classroom highly enjoyable to sit in.
I must say she has a knack for tsukomi given class clowns like Weechin san and Jeffrey san (both late twenties).

It was a normal Sunday afternoon, like any other Sundays in the language centre.
Our sensei wanted us to suggest certain actitvities which are a nuisance to the public.
So I told her ”電車でイチャイチャするのが禁止すればいいだと思います” (Making out in the train should be prohibited)
Sensei was surprised we were uptight about public displays of affection and she said she would love to try it out once she gets hitched.
Then Jeffrey made some comment which made sensei stare at him and say:
”ジェフリーさん、エロいなー”

Later, we were told to construct sentences using ‘nan quantity ka’(何人か).

Jeffrey san and Weechin san were constructing a conversational sentence relating to recalling the number of annoying women (ムカつく女) each of them has met.
However, looking at the perverse way both of them were laughing, the whole class thought they were discussing on how many women they have … …
Soon the class became extremely rowdy and excited as everyone started interrogating ero-combi Jeffery san and Weechin san.

Our sensei sighed loudly :”嫌だ。どうしようー織姫クラスがエロになる…” (What am I to do? My Orihime class is turning sleazy.)
Jeffrey san: “いいじゃない？エロ姫クラスになる！” (Then our class should be called Erohime!)
Arzen:”エロジジ。” (Dirty old man)
Sensei:”ジェフリーさんはまだ若いから、じゃ、エロ兄さん。” (Jeffrey’s not that old yet. Let’s call him Dirty young man)

 

 

Online life

I’ve got a soft target, Chiryuu san, whose works are highly volatile and nosebleed inducing, and she is keen to explore the alternative adult territory (e.g. shibari, horse play).

It started after she approved my Mypic request and when I entered her Teblog paintchat without any clue the owner was actually her.
Until I saw the pair of Frio Tidus centaurs at the Teblog paintchat announcement.
It was the same pair of centaurs in Chiryuu san’s pixiv portfolio.

My response to Chiryuu san's Frio the stallion and carrot.ハァハァ

It was fun watching her draw Frio the stallion treated to carrot and tomatoes.
I was inspired to draw a Steed of Light in my Teblog, freshly whipped for breeding. haahaa
I didn’t expect Chiryuu san to leave Frio the stallion and a carrot in the comment box.
From there, it became an ongoing contest of pornographic illustration.
She was so good I nearly gave up and wanted to draw a basket of vegetables instead.

 

And the series continues … … (?)

3 Day Singapore Tour (YingさんのSP冒険ｗ)

I caught a coach to Singapore with Ying at Puduraya station. I also caught a cold.
It’s the first time we travelled together alone at such a distance.

The ride was… cheap.
The food was… there’s no food.
The entertainment was… Scorpion King, all muscles and sex for the old folks travelling with us.

It was amazing we didn’t feel the least bit tired after arriving in Singapore 5 hours later and we headed to Liang Court to relish on Tampopo’s sexy Kurobuta ramen and loitering around Kinokuniya.

Day Two

The next morning, we visited the Singapore Zoological Gardens.
It was raining and the animals were still asleep.

The sleeping otters were adorable but their odour wasn’t.

The smell was enhanced when they are awake. Urrgghhh….可愛くて臭い.

One of the most sought after exhibits was the white tiger.
It made headlines when a Sarawakan idiot jumped into the enclosure and made such a ruckus with a pail, the tigers decided to end everybody’s misery by turning him into cat food.

Aren’t they deceptively adorable?
The Sarawakan idiot has shown us that there’s danger behind that ball of cuteness and fur.
Another one would be the polar bear.

This is Inuka and he’s such a heart-rending cutie, he made the Japanese tourists go ‘きゃあぁｖｖｖ肉球！！！’.
Did you know that a polar bear’s fur is actually transparent?
And its skin is actually black?

We saw Squall, Warrior of Light and Frioniel!!!
Squall- Lionheart

Warrior of Light – Gnu of Light

Frioneil – the Frog/Toad, amphibian whatever

Dissidia obssession aside, we saw other interesting exhibits such as the indecent proboscis monkey with its phallic snout and exposed pe***.

Thus, no pictures were taken except this information board.

The Fragile Forest exhibit is by far the most enjoyable.
Visitors are allowed to get up close and personal with the animals inside a net enclosure.
There were parrots, squeaking ducks, crossing lesser mousedeer, harrassing giant pigeons, jackfruit-gnawing fruit bats, lemurs and butterflies.

After torturing our feeble legs for the whole day, we were famished.

Thanks to the exorbitant food prices in this zoological isolated location, we could only afford some measly kaya buttered toast at Ah Meng’s kopitiam.

The pathetic lunch at the zoo was compensated with dorayaki and caramel cream cake at ION’s food basement.
As usual, we went to Kinokuniya to loiter and we found our pixiv friend Kirara san’s true occupation:

Day Three

We headed to City Hall for some Botejyu okonomiyaki only to find a long queue of hungry ghosts.
The area was teeming with foreign visitors and security forces all gravitating towards the F1 race track.
Disgusted by the lunchtime crowd, we headed for Marvellous Cream and the rich ice cream nestled in a crisp waffle bowl was heaven to my mouth.
We returned to Botejyu and found that the ghosts have returned home and the hell gates were closed.
The Moonlight Okos wasn’t as good as the Liang Court branch and it’s a dollar more expensive.
Well, it’s worth the convenience though.
Ying finally got the wireless router modem and we headed to Liang Court’s Kinokuniya and Meidiya supermarket to loiter some more.
After much loitering and listening to high school boys rave about Rozen Maiden being the most awesome thing god ever created (they are going to join the hungry ghosts in hell I presume), we went to Tampopo to have our final supper of orgasmic katsu dishes and kurobuta dumplings.

It was a pretty ordinary day… I got myself a toothbrush from the supermarket.

Everything was fine until I saw my EZlink card balance:

$8.01

Yay, owatta.

Here comes the Bridegroom!(次の結婚式は日本で？)

My cousin’s wedding is the best, most memorable weddings I’ve ever attended.

Mostly because of the high entertainment value and weird encounters.
It’s Malaysia after all.

Plus, the larger the crowd, the greater the probablility of silly things happening I guess.

My brother and I arrived in Kuala Lumpur in the afternoon and were escorted to my uncle’s house crammed full of old people.

The ratio of kids (ages 0 to 30 years ) to old people (ages 31 years and above) are 1 to 4.

The pre-wedding dinner was a sumptuous spread of fried tom yam rice, fried vermicelli, curry chicken, stir-fried veggies, fried calamari rings (deceptively soggy despite its crisp appearance), fried ‘ayamas’ chicken, indian rojak, leathery satay (in order of queue).
We kids were deceived by the look and smell of the fried calamari rings.
We lined ourselves around the calamari rings section to deter anyone from reaching the dish.
When we piled our plates and taken a bite of the calamari, it was … pure despair.

Disclaimer: The photo is taken after the guests cleared most of the food.
This is not the actual pre-wedding dinner spread although it resembles a typical Hari Raya dinner buffet. 

 
We kids had a very entertaining breakfast at the hotel the next morning, to the lovely Donald Duck rendition of some Hari Raya song. We made our way back to my uncle’s house to give our support to my cousin, who’s all dressed up to collect the bride.

Another cousin of mine is our driver-cum-babysitter and we trailed behind the motorcade festooned with white and pink ribbons. Along the way we saw an indian guy running with his arms swinging limply by his sides. Interesting.

The driver-cum-babysitter drove like an F1 driver, all Fast and Furious. 
We were clutching against our seats as he raced across the KL highways.
He was so ‘fast’ he  could hardly catch up with the damn electric blue car decorated with ribbons and pink gauze.

Thanks to the toll stations. we managed to pull behind the damn electric blue car.
One of the damn electric blue car’s passenger stuck his head out and looked at us, then behind us to check out for anymore losers trailing behind.
Ying san commented she thought he was going to give us the insulting thumbs down.

We finally reached the bride’s house and we kids were dressed so casually, anyone might mistake us for passersby who had just come back from the morning market and had decided to gatecrash a wedding.

In Chinese wedding  culture, the bridegroom has to undergo various obstacles to prove his worthiness to the bride and her loved ones.
Now who says that women are in an unfavourable position when it comes to Chinese traditions?
My brother and I thought of various ‘challenges’ for my future prospective husband such as licking the feet of all the bridesmaids and bestmen, eating durian mixed with natto et cetera. 
The photos show how my cousin was humiliated, from blowing eggplant shaped balloons to dancing like a Cantopop fan (both arms swinging slowly like a metronome to the music of ‘Dragonstea din Tei’), to making my cousin and his bestmen hump each other… sorry.


 

Speaking of humping, we caught sight of my driver-cum-babysitter cousin and my brother raping the roasted pig.
Sorry, they were moving the roasted pig to the car but the photo seemed to tell a different story.
But that’s not the end of it…

My cousin’s gramps had a go at the sucking pig.

That explains why the roasted pork was so finger-licking good. Sorry.

 
Back to the wedding, the official wedding manager (in red chinese top and black pants) known as ‘Tai kam cheh’ began the wedding rituals, shouting at the couple to bow to the deities and pay their respects to the ancestors.
Yes, shouting. She really sounded like she’s scolding  the couple or the deities.

The most unforgettable moment was when she tip toed in the kitchen, turned around and giggled. While going ‘hee-hee’, she picked up a cleaver and held it menacingly as if she was going to dismember a corpse.
We kids started to sweat in our casual pants.
We watched her dismember the pig skilfully, chopping and dividing the animal into 6 large pieces.

Next up, the much-awaited bridal bouquet toss.
A long-cherished tradition of the West where the person who catches the bouquet will be freed from the chains of singlehood.

My cousin Yen, (↑) who’s dating a Japanese, told us she’ll participate just to make it look more crowded.
She said she didn’t care if she could not get the bouquet.
But a minute later, she told us she actually does give a damn about it.

Both of us took our position at the right side and saw the bride motion at her bridesmaids that she was going to toss the bouquet towards the left.
She threw the flowers into the air and it landed with a ba-thump at my feet.
There was a heavy silence in the air for a moment as everyone stared at the lump of roses on the ground.

I yelled at Yen to pick up the flowers but she just stood there hesitating.
I grabbed her arm and thrusted her hand onto the rosy lump. GOAL!

 

Next year, she’ll be inviting me to her wedding in Japan.
I hope her dad won’t try to kill me.

 

Yen gave me a rose as commission for my effort. Somehow, I could sense malice behind me (Ying’s aunt looked like she’s ready to punch me ala Bruce Lee) … …

Ying san did a Dissidia version of this photo.
Noooooooooooobara!!!!!!!!!!

And finally, the wedding dinner.
We dressed up and ruminated on our cousin’s romantic

‘My money is your money. Your money is your money.’

love confession to his bride while waiting for the car.

My brother really looked like a scheming and tyrannical businessman who’s made it big in the city while his rural country mother sits next to him uneasily.
No worries, he’s actually quite harmless.
He might even give you a frappucino on the house.

We girls noticed that the shoes each of us wore matched the dress the other was wearing.
Me in black dress but purple pumas. Ying in turquoise dress but black boots. Yen in purple dress but in turquoise sandals.

 

The dinner was good.
The service was within my expectations, which was pretty low to start since it’s Malaysia.

I got tipsy after a few glasses of red wine and was begging my cousin (driver-cum-babysitter-cum pork rapist) to bring me to the Ministry of Sound next door.
I became sober after I had a sip of the ‘çhampagne’ which the couple toasted everyone with onstage.

It was carbonated grape concentrate.

We also discovered that the towering bridal confection was a towering falsity made of coloured dough.

As long as there is LOVE, anyplace is paradise.

My brother is lovesick… … or he is just sick.

Status: More dung!(コンチキショー仕事が辞めたい)

The ResourceMutilatingTerrorists have issued updated portfolios to us.
Oh wow, more dung with December year ends that come in pellets.
And yes, foreign, alien excreta from god knows where.

Total crap list is now 10.　
Hooray!

And I’m expecting a familiar giant load called SeriousMentalBreakdown at the end of the year when the auditor in charge tenders in November.
The poor chap had no idea what the company was about and is now drowning in 85+ pages of PSPM.
And yeah, the abolishment of TOIL sweetens the aroma.

I should start looking for a job now.
The problem is, the pros of audit is mobility and opportunities to interact with different people from all strata of the organisation, which I like.
Is there a job with similar characteristics?
Oh yeah! The glam position of Pantry lady.
This position allows one the chance to interact and exchange information with anyone who steps into the pantry for some refreshment.
Even the CEO needs his coffee fix too, no?
The cons of the job is no different from that of an auditor.
No one really gives a damn about your opinion and in the worst case, see you as a vendingventing machine for them to channel their negative energies out in the form of insults.
The General Cleaner position also affords the applicant the same opportunities but is hygienically challenging.
In addition, one has to face the very thing which everyone is writing resignation letters for: Dung.

I’ve Got A New Boyfriend (Asus U80Vを買った！)

After 6 years of faithful service, 2 hard disk replacements and 3 fatal crashes, my Dell inspiron 600m is finally put to rest.

Amen.

Things started getting bad after a software update. So horrible that I couldn’t even run Java or play an avi. movie smoothly.

I had no choice but to lug my office laptop to and from home on every working day and happily, there’’s no optical disk drive nor user access to install programs.

That meant using my pen tablet like a bloody mouse with a shivering cursor and uncalibrated area.

It’s a physical torture to my wrist especially during paintchat sessions where I had no guts to sketch in case the cursor suddenly took a mind of its own and scrawls across some poor chap’s art work. Oh, and the shitty lines are an excellent dampener on my confidence. 

So… after weeks of scratching my pen tablet and watching minutes tick by as the Dell laptop tries desperately to squeeze an update download byte by byte, COMEX finally came.

I decided to zero in on Asus after visiting some tech forums and gathering insider advice of certain competing manufacturers.

Reliabilty and customer aftercare was one of my priority requirements before making a hardware purchase, kudos to those insufferable periods of anxiety when the Dell laptop decided to fail me.

I headed for COMEX in Suntec City Convention Centre on the 3rd day (Sat), at 12 noon which was the opening time. The linkway to the  convention centre was utterly thronging with people. I had to swim through the human flotsam, dodging baby strollers and flyer distributors, only to drown in more human bodies.

Impatient, I took the staircase and got lost in the labyrinth of hidden toilets and doors with restricted access. It’s really scary especially when I found myself at a dead-end on each floor and each turn. Imagine being chased by a chainsaw-toting psychopath in Suntec… It’s a definite Game Over for me.

Finally, I found an exit and reached the COMEX site. True to anyone’s expectations, it’s a hive of sales activity as exhibitors yelled discounts and tempting prices at bargain hunters. More dodging and side-steps and I finally reached the Asus booth.

I asked for the U80V for it’s sexy HD monitor, titilating keyboard and touchpad, average CPU, free Windows 7 upgrade and the substantial freebies like a 320GB portable storage disk. The salesperson gave me a $100 discount and announced that the last unit of this model has already been sold. Yea, so that another person who’s been wanting this model can lie in wait with a chainsaw to relieve my new notebook of its owner.

And below, is how my new boyfriend looks like.

After ironing out the annoying Vista hiccups, my pen tablet felt soooo good and comfortable to use. It’s almost orgasmic for my drawing hand.
I’ve spent the past few months dragging cursors all over the screen and praying hard that the cursor would suppress its Parkinson’s in a java environment.

Dell laptop/ Lenovo without the pen tablet driver installed properly (WOL and Frioneil)

Pen tablet driver successfully installed in U80V (WOL with rose)

The battery life lasted for 8 hours, compared to my office laptop which had a battery change recently but still cannot last beyond 3 hours. The new laptop is surprisingly cool after leaving it on for 3 hours whereas my wrists start to broil 15 mins after the office laptop was switched on. 

What more can I ask? He’s cool at all times but oozes with sweat-inducing sexiness and responds to my every touch in the dark.

Our honeymoon night was wonderful. So good that I stayed up till 6.45 in the morning…

Status: Here Comes the Dung

An email arrived in my inbox just now.

It’s from the ResourceMutilatingTeam executive.

I’m given 4 engagements with Dec year ends and 1 with June year end.

OHMYFUCKINGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the ResourceMassacreingTeam executive expects me to come up with the staff requisition form and shit by 18th Sept.

I feel nauseated.

The worst was all 4 of these colossal shitballs are new to me.

The only one which I am a tad familiar with was the gaming company Creeptology(post).

I’m in flight mode now. No use fighting the rolling shit mountain.

Oh yeah, there’s no more TOIL policy.

AAAAAAAARRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

 

\誰か助けてぇぇぇぇ！！！/

(　；゜Д゜) ●●＝●●.＝

Squeezing and Stalking (ＳＭＳと手書きブロ)

The following is an excerpt of an sms conversation I had with Miss 1wRong last night:

Miss IwRong:  I want! I wanna squeeze! Is it white and soft?

Arzen:  No, it’s big and hard.

 

I know, it sounds R-18 if we’re gonna think that the thing she wanna squeeze is something we’re not born with. www

It’s only a pimple.

A nice gargantuan pustule of clotted sebum from my ‘auntie’ which visited me last night… urrrgghhhhhhh….

I need blood… Feeling faint….and I’m meeting a schoolmate from the Japanese Language school to exchange and discuss about Yaoi.

I think Ying san might have to drag my limp, bloodless body home.

Online life

After giving up on using SAI in my old computer, I decided to register a tegaki blog.

Simply for the following reasons:

• The canvas size is large enough for sketching manga as compared to oebbs which is limited to 800×800
• To stalk A san
• User friendliness

I happily drew Frioneil haahaa just to test the functionally limited paint tools. 1 hour after I completed the picture, I checked back to my tegaki panel and noticed someone had left a comment on the picture.

I thought it was Tamakichi san because I sent a tegaki friend request.

I didn’t send one to A san because I didn’t  want A san to think I’m a stalker (although it’s what I’ve been doing it all along). Especialy after the previous incident when things got really awkward in the chatroom. She reassured me that she was just tired that night…(;w;)

 When I saw the owner of the comment, I thought I must be hallucinating.

It’s A saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She wrote that Frio is yummy and that she’s being the stalker.

Me being stalked by A san?! HaahaahaahaaAAAA!!!!!!

Omigod omigod omigod (^///p///^) Haa haa haaa!!!!!

Couldn’t really sleep that night…. wwwwwwwwwww haa haa

I’m going to be a Bridesmaid!

I met up with Miss YY today at the ‘hippest’ hangout in Singapore called Northpoint (in suburban Yishun).

I’ve known this babe since Primary 4 and she’s still the charmingly adorable fun beeyatchee babe. Well, that was one of the adjectives she wanted us to use to describe her since high school.

Her boyfriend decided to tie the knot by June next year.

She’s getting MARRIED!!!!! Oh My Gawd!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAaaaahhhhh!!!!I’m absolutely overjoyed for her!!!

And she’s appointing me to be the bridal bangla to carry her train (no, not the thing we commute with).

I’m really, really honored to be her bridesmaid and she’s the 1st bride whom I’ll be steering the train (no, it’s got nothing to do with driving) for.

She did ask me a few times back then to be her ceremonial coolie but I was still surprised when she told me today that officially, I’m going to be lugging the length of cloth behind her on her church wedding.

Wow.

This is the 4th wedding I’ll be putting into my schedule.

Somehow, I began to get the dreadful left-on-the-shelf feeling which plagues all singles. It pricks the ego and titillates the thoughtless desire to just grab any dude on the street that comes our way. Now I understand how a guy friend was feeling when he told me he’s worried he hasn’t found the right one yet when most of his friends have tied the knot.

Problem is, I know what qualities I want in my partner and I don’t know if there could ever be another person like that.

 The choice of getting married to any dude or remaining a horny virgin till death …

It’s really the Devil or the deep, blue sea.

Online life

 

Tombstone by (Kabe)Ojisan, Mer(Squall)lion and Kuja by cycle san, Zidane by Nobon san

I went to Sagara san’s paint chat today after getting appointed a bridal bangla and noticed A san was there.

Previously, I’d sent her a youtube link featuring a cutscene of WOL Firion which is exclusive to the US-Euro release of DFF. In the same message, I thanked her for helping me regain my confidence back in paintchat after the pen tablet became pretty hard to control from a hardware driver failure.

I thought she would be as excited over the revelation that WOL Firion are a couple on the run, but  the response was lukewarm, terse and polite.

???

I’m confused.

I thought, usually, people would at least reply and share their views on this.

That’s what Hsk san normally does in her mailform correspondence.

I really felt things were getting awkward and it was unbearable. I really wanted to leave the chatroom because I don’t understand 80% of what they were discussing and it is hard to participate in the discussion. But I stayed on, hoping that A san would draw something for me to ogle at.

 A san left the chatroom shortly after midnight without drawing anything.

I’m not sure what is going on and it doesn’t smell right… (;A;)

A New Change – Communications and Coiffure

There’s a few changes this month.

Firstly, my hairdo. Miss 1wRong couldn’t tolerate the mop of twisted hay attached to my head so we decided to go for a haircut at Tornado in Tampines. The hairstylist was such a lovely, bubbly lass from Malaysia and a master of shaping coiffures with her silver shears. Miss 1wRong and her mom were satisfied with the magic the hairstylist did to my hay. This is a good thing. But the only problem I had was it resembles the hairstyle of the heroine in the Korean version of Hana Yori Dango…the saccharine cuteness is the total opposite of my true personality.

Secondly, I’ve changed my phone number and signed up a new plan after my old phone succumbed to the white screen of death. Permanently. The new phone I got at zero dollars is a Sony Ericsson W980 which satisfies my music cravings with 8GB of internal memory.

A silly thing happened yesterday.

It started when I got a little jealous of Silver Taro after Miss A got really excited at the idea of collaborating with her. I admit Silver and Miss A’s drawing styles are so similar it’s hard to tell them apart. What peeved me more was that I felt I’m wasting everyone’s time since my drawing style is different from Miss A and I don’t know what to talk with her about except ero in broken Japanese. Thus, I got alot more reserved in the subsequent paintchats. This crush is scaring me and I think it’d definitely freak Miss A out. Hope absence does not make the heart grow fonder and abstinence is the way forward.

I was so engrossed discussing with Ying san about it that when I saw Miss 1wRong’s reply on her mom and my colleague that  ‘love will blossom between the two’, I mistook Miss 1wRong for Ying san.

I replied ‘Love ha nani? Taberarenai no ka? S san is Miss A’s soulmate and I wouldn’t like to put my foot between the two of them. I shall just be her ero partner www’.

When I realised my mistake, I sent it to the last person whom I’d ever think of sending. Hahahaha…(ＴｗＴ)

So this is how a faithless adulterer feels like after getting caught. That all too familiar icy chill down my spine.

I found it so funny and ridiculous, I couldn’t help laughing till drool came out of my mouth. When Miss 1wRong replied that she didn’t know whether to be shocked or happy that she understood what was going on, I got a little concerned. ‘Concerned’ is a euphemism. Actually, I freaked out.

Ah, the stupid things I do… …

Update: Senior and moving on…

NOTICE: I’ve moved all records of my subsequent  nocturnal activities to another blogsite. I realised it isn’t very appropriate to dump it in this blog where respectable persons would see .. ahem, my wilder side in the online community.  If you’re interested and share my base moral standards (none by the way), feel free to visit my Pixivblog. Unfortunately, it’s all written in Japanese. But a good thing that a picture speaks a thousand words. 

The senior’s orientation party on 31 July at St Regis hotel was good. Sans the hours the top management spent to convince us to stay and slog our posteriors (with a whopping pay cut and 0.25 month  of bonus), the event was worth wearing the ogre green polo tee for. I realised there are a lot of unfamiliar faces, peers whom I’ve never even seen before, much less spoke to. The best was, I only realised the person belonging to a partner’s name is a guy. I’ve always held the mistaken belief that the partner wears a skirt for the past 2 years.  

How do I feel about being a senior? Simply DTT. Disgusted, Terrified and TOIL-less.

In times when the F**king Asinine Society of Bean-counters decided to ‘improve’ the financial reporting standards once more,  when the global head office of Dung Tastes Terrific revamped audit methods, when clients are demanding nano fees for mega service, when the profession is denied the sole carrot called TOIL … … the future has gotten darker for the dung-pickers.

Times are good right now for me… just enjoyed 2 days of art lessons IFRS updates and revised audit methodology from the Technical Update organised by the learning department and now I’m trying to clear my existing  TOIL. It’s great to sit with dear Miss 1wRong again, just like back in school. Soggy food at the reception, regular toilet breaks and great company, what more can I ask for?

Pixiv Pchat: First time as a host （初めに主催者になった）

Warning: If homosexuality and erotic representations offend you, please do not click the picture links below. You’ll regret it. I mean it.

注意：リンクはエロ、ホモの表現があるので、嫌なら、クリックしないでください。

Bored and eager to sketch some erotic garbage, I registered a paint chatroom and christened it ‘No Reservation’. The only regulation in my chatroom is　to throw all reservations out of the window (自重禁止).

Invitation pic for my first Paint chat.

I didn’t expect to have more than 5 visitors to my chatroom when I put up the invitation on the day itself.

I was wrong. The numbers exceeded 15 people and when my modem sadistically denied me internet access for 10 mins at around 2am, after I got back to the chatroom, I was surprised to find not only the visitors still there waiting for me, there was a new visitor who just joined in the fun. That’s the power of the Light and the Wild Rose.www

Picture: Damedia (注：裸、カオス、薔薇)

Picture:  Post-Damedia (注：裸、カオス?)

Their kindness and friendliness are priceless. Conversing in Japanese can be likened to constipation for me. There’s so much to give but so little comes out. My vocabulary is close to zilch. 

When I held a 2nd paintchat last night, it was even more brazen than the first… with Ann san (A team), Aria san (A team), Wataru san, Kanako san, Kuroro san and her wife (KY team), Kirara san, Henda san et al.

 

Invitation pic of my 2nd paintchat last night.

There’s alot of delicious activities on all sides of the canvas. So much so that I wished I’ve got 4 pairs of eyes and an auto-screencapture function in takamin’s paintchat system.

Picture: Light cafe and Wild rose tea (注：裸、キス)

Picture: Icha Icha part 1 , Icha Icha part 2 , Icha Icha part 3, Icha Icha part 4 (注：裸、フェラ、とりあえずやばい事)

Oh, and I thought Takamichi san’s paintchat was the latest for the record (4 am). Last night, I ended my 2nd paintchat at 5.30 am (SP time).

Someone’s getting married and I’m invited!

My dear vegan friend Radeeca is back from the US for a short visit.

And she has the most wonderful news for me. Well, anyone can see from the title what it is. Yes! Yes! YES! She’s getting married this year! Finally, it’s official and I’m so happy and excited for her. Now I’ve got 3 weddings to attend! Yippee!!!

Where else to chow but our favourite stylish vegetarian hang out, Delivege? Watching her pore over the menu excitedly, I knew she’s just craving to try everything (…perhaps the same with her brainy spouse after her wedding. Heeheehee.) We ordered a cauldron of laksa (ok, I’m exaggerating but it’s really huge for a person!) and 2 food items which doesn’t appear in the menu.

She told me the details of how DeleteTouchTomatoes in the US put people from the bench and onto the streets during dinner. I’m just glad she’s finally found the perfect job in a perfect location. I’d love to go ogle at surfer dudes when I do get to visit her and her soon-to-be hubby in the US.

We chatted on other topics and really, she’s the first person whom I can speak comfortably on topics which can give our parents a seizure if they knew. I told her about my nocturnal doodling orgies in paintchatrooms and she rhetorically wondered whether it’s the same as cybersex. www Well, seems like she’s going to be the first one to do ‘everything’. On a positive side, I could consult her anytime when I finally find the right person to do ‘everything’ with. I’ve decided to get a useful manual for doing everything as a wedding present.

Pixiv Pchat: Takamin Server error

Saturday nights is a time for wild partying and celebrating fun in orgies of excess. But last night was plain disappointing…when takamin’s server crashed. It’s the only Saturday night when I got to sleep before 3am.

I gatecrashed into mik san’s Tidus pchat after seeing some familiar names in the list. I’ve never played FF10 nor sketched Tidus before so I was rather apprehensive when I clicked enter. I worried for nothing when I saw a bunch of Nobaras appear as the system loaded the sketches. Frioniel really is a celebrity, thanks to his virginity and the dark history of FF2…www

I sketched my 1st Tidus as a door gift to mik san. While doing so, I witnessed a marriage proposal by kirara san to RQPJ san (WOL). No one can beat Hoshida san who proposed to everyone at one shot. For me, I prefer not to have a harem of Mypics. It’s hard to manage so many wives and concubines in a polygamy arrangement. Guess I’m only committed to Ann san (Ying san made a very saucy comment after reading the previous entry). When my Tidus passed the rabbit hat to RQPJ san’s WOL, takamin sensei struck again, wiping the whole canvas clean.

Next, I decided to try my hand at the chaos version of WOL, the Warrior of Darkness (WOD). I was happily sketching the Deathnote parody (Light:WOL, L:Linne輪廻)when the system hung. I exited the pchat and Ying san told me the pchat was suspended due to a server crash. I didn’t even have a chance to do a screen capture.

I returned to the pchat after Ying san notified me that the system has recovered, hoping to find the WOD. Thank god it was still there and there was another person in the pchat room, kumaru san. I thought it was one of those ‘imitations’ where the ID of the person is still retained in the chatroom but has already exited the chatroom. I got a shock when kumaru san told me to continue drawing. When she used her touchpad to sketch Zacks, Chaos followed… Her Zacks and Sephiroth were aesthetically overwhelming.www

The best was her WOL with his shining ‘crystal’…www Just can’t help making the remark.