Monthly Archives: April 2007

***直感バトンQuestionaire

コザ商学校のハジちゃん~ (´Д`)ハァハァ  (意味なし)

 

01.アニメといえば?

えぇ…たくさんアニメが好きです… もちろんBLOOD+とBLOOD the Last Vampire。 Ergo Proxyも好きです。とても面白くて、哲学的なSF作品だと思います!ボボボボ-ボボボも…このアニメにクソネタがいっぱい、人気男性声優もいっぱい。例えば子安武人、緑川光、小野坂昌也。

02.コミックといえば?

BLコミック  

  • レベルE(富樫義弘) 作品集に最も良いだと思います。
  • MPD サイコ(大塚英志x田島昭字)
  • 新暗行御史(尹仁完x梁慶一) 韓国漫画の中にこれをしか読みません。
  • 火の鳥、ブラックジャック(手塚治虫)

03.声優さんといえば?

  1. 小西克幸
  2. 石田彰
  3. 緑川光
  4. 子安武人
  5. 中田譲治
  6. 保志総一郎
  7. 朴璐美
  8. 進藤尚美

04.03の人といえば?

  1. ハジ(BLOOD+)
  2. アスランザラ(ガンダムSEED)
  3. 黒崎壱哉(俺のしたであがけ)
  4. ボボボボーボボボ(ボボボボーボボボ)
  5. モンテ.クリスト伯爵(巌窟王)、ギロロ(ケロロ軍曹)
  6. キラ.ヤマト(ガンダムSEED)、カリンツ(マグナカルタ)
  7. エド(FMA)、ナナ(NANA)
  8. ヘッポコ丸(ボボボボーボボボ)、カガリ.ユラ.アスハ(ガンダムSEED)

05・曲といえば?

  • LOCOROCOサントラ。聞いた後、世界が嬉しくなりそう。(^^) 
  • BLOOD+のサントラに、「Diva」が一番大好き。 
  • 菅野ようこ先生の作曲、特に、SACのサントラ「BE HUMAN」。
  • クラシックな音楽、例えばMozart, Saint-Saens,Edvard Grieg,Maurice Ravelなど

06.ゲームといえば?

今ひまな時間がないのでゲームをめったにやりませんが…(-_-) 

好きなゲームは:マグナ.カルタ(PSP)、LOCOROCO(PSP)、SILENT HILL(PS2)、DEVIL MAY CRY(PS2)、アイ ラッブ ミッキーマウス ふしぎのお城大冒険(SegaMegadrive)、ミッキマニア(SegaMegadrive)、マクドナルド トレジャーランド・アドベンチャー(SegaMegadrive)、Earthworm Jim(SegaMegadrive)、ゼルダの伝説ふしぎのぼうし(GBA)、マリオ.アンド.ルイジRPG(GBA)

07.ラジオといえば?

日本のラジオか…NHK World Radio Japan?

08.サイトといえば?

もちろんBLOOD+とガンダム種ファンサイト!すごいイラストサイトも調べにいく。そして、BT.Greedland。これは中国のダウンロードサイトです。アニメヘーヴンだと思います。(0w0)

09.雑誌といえば?

季刊エス。シンガポールの紀伊国屋で雑誌が安売り時、「ニュタイプ」と「キャラクターズ!」を買います。

10.前の人のQとは?(分からなくなるので質問も書いてください)

「実際に会えるとしたら、誰と何をしたい?」

ルイスとカイの手料理が食べると、審査したいんです。

11.次に聞きたい質問は?

「誰のうた(歌えるなら)が聞きたいんっですか?」

12.次に回す5人

ちはやさん(11のQだけ~)、キナコさん、パルミラさん、Yingさん

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I think I think too much (x_x)

Don’t be afraid.

That’s what I feel she’s saying when I looked at this picture after I’ve finished it.

(ah, but art is so subjective to various perspectives, just like life)

She could be saying the following:

  • Come! Let’s elope and be gone with the wind~! 
  • Can you spare me a penny?
  • What do you mean I’m going to get run over by a car? Are you a certified fortune teller? Give me my palm back! (note the bright headlights behind her)
  • See, I’ve got 5 fingers too. 1…2…3…5. Yes, 5 fingers.

Don’t mind me, I’m being retarded.

I’m trying to be retarded actually.

To slow my thoughts down and achieve more calmness in my head.

I know you can smell it coming… yes… it’s Ajahn Bhrams…

This morning, I woke up the wrong way. I woke with a funny, ticklish feeling in my gut and I can’t scratch at it. And on my way to work, the MRT platform made me rather nervous, as usual. But the anxious feelings were much less intense.

So I just kept thinking… about what it used to be like being insane with fear, what am I going to do if I have another attack again, why can’t I shit this morning, maybe I might get a stomachache or faint in the train and oh damn my hands are sweaty now so I’d better hold onto something luckily I brought medicated oil but will it work damn it why can’t this stop it’s all my parents’ fault I’m like this crap I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this but I think I can blah blah blah

Incessant thoughts were whirling like a tornado in my head.

The more I think, the more stressed I get. Who’s the idiot who said he’d prefer to be sad but thinking like Socrates to a blissfully happy fool? Obviously he doesn’t know how to use his brain well.

With such a busy busy head, I could hardly think the stuff  that needed to be thought.

And when thoughts come too fast, as Ajahn Bhrams had observed, the afflicted person simply goes crazy. Not goofy crazy. It’s mental institution crazy.

And that was one of my fears back then and even now sometimes.

My mind is too wild at times. Yet the more I try to control, telling it to shut the hell up, the worse it got. But there is a way and it’s simply 2 words which Ajahn Brahms repeats time an again in his dhamma talks.

Let Go.

Yeah, easier said than done. Ok, mind, I’m letting it go now. C’mon mind, you are supposed to calm down. Heel boy heel! Damn you. Now I’m breathing too fast.

Well, that’s not the way. It’s not letting go.

Letting go means, as Ajahn Brahms puts it, opening the door of one’s heart to everything that’s bugging one. To learn to accept and embrace fully the very thing that’s bugging us.

It’s more like: Ok, I cannot really do anything about this because these anxious feelings are a part of this body,so alright, I’m not gonna fight it. It feels terrible but hey, this is the body and head which nature gave me so I’ll just make do. Since it’s a part of the whole package I’ll accept it. I’ll try not to complain too much.

And it does get better. The thoughts become less and the mind slows down a little.

The slower and calmer the mind gets, the better it is because all the energy is being conserved instead of wasted on useless, stress-inducing thoughts.

That’s why I’m trying to be retarded. Nothing wrong with being a blissful happy fool.

And what happened to the big thinker, Socrates? Well, he mixed himself a nice cup of hemlock, drank it  and died.

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Ajahn Bhrams’ Anti-virus Anxiety Software

First of all, I have to express my gratitude to Miss 1wRong, who happens to always be right.

She sent me a Talk on Panic attacks in mp3 one night. I thought: Oh blargh, I’ve seen the psychiatrist and it didn’t work, seen the doctor and it was useless, read all about anxiety and it didn’t help. How is it this time this mp3 will actually take away the mental problem I’ve been living with for 4 years? All it’ll probably do is tell me that it’s scary blah blah.

I didn’t expect it to be a Buddhist talk. I didn’t expect the talk to be in English. And I sure didn’t expect it to be so enjoyable!

And most importantly, it works! Well, it takes time to heal but I’m making some progress.

The most recent attack was last December and it lasted til late March this year.

Everyday was pure fear, total fatigue and stress stress stress.

The moment I wake, that horrible cold feeling, the kind one gets when we realise there’s an exam that morning which we did not even study at all, would paralyse my mind. My hands will start to turn ice-cold and sweaty, so sweaty it looked as if I’ve just put them under running water. I felt like someone’s strangling me and I always feel dizzy, always thinking I’m going to faint anytime. My body felt weak and it ached. Always felt like vomitting all the time. So many awful sensations that there are times in the morning when I’m heading for work, I felt like throwing myself into the train tracks just to end it all. I could hardly think back then. The only think holding me back was the fear of getting mashed under the train. Seems really painful.

WHY? I didn’t know. I just thought: Shit. Of all things to suffer, it has to be a mental problem! Why can’t I just get a physical disease or lose a leg? Because to have a mental illness, it’s not about what others think. It’s the fact they can’t see it because it’s in my head. It’s invisible. It’s also the fear of going crazy, of not being able to control my actions. I’ve been to the edge before. While waiting for the train, anxious and all, my mind was so confused, my body actually felt like making the jump onto the train tracks. THAT was frightening.

This was how I lived. Nothing but fear and worry. Always anticipating a fainting spell that never happened or letting my imagination to go wild. It must be a physical problem that’s causing all this fainting spells. Some hormonal imbalance or something that’s causing all this physical symptoms that leads to anxiety. No one should see that I’m going to go crazy so I suppress. Keep my hands in my pockets and grit my teeth while smiling.

There was nothing much to hope for except go to work like a zombie. Just earn the money that I’ll be using to pay the hospital in the future. I can’t go anywhere because the very thought of going to a foreign place on my own, made me so afraid. What if I go crazy and there’s no one to help? Can they even help me?

It was so tiring. So alone.

Until…

Until Miss 1wRong sent me Ajahn Brahms’ Panic Attacks dhamma talk a few days ago.

I listened to the talk on my way to work the next day and I giggled on the train. (no, it’s not me going crazy from anxiety)

Now I understand all those aches, pain and dizziness are the result of being anxious.

And that anxiety is the result of all those years of pressure and worry I piled on myself, ever since I was a kid. My mother beat me for every mistake I make when she tests me on writing Chinese. Almost everyday was Chinese test day. Thank god she only knows Chinese and not English. I’d be writing this in a foreign language now. Japanese probably.Ii desu ne? Hahaha.

So yeah, I was conditioned to be anxious all the time and I wasn’t even aware of it. It accumulates overtime and as Ajahn Brahms described, one small, insignificant thing happens and the whole snow of fear falls into a huge avalanche, burying everything in its way. That avalanche was the first panic attack I got when I was 19.

The subsequent anxiety attacks got worse because that pile of snow  got bigger and bigger, the fear of fainting, the fear of going crazy, the fear of fear itself, these huge heaps of snow made the snow pile so big, avalanches have to happen more frequently.

How to stop this cyclical torment? There seemed no end and I have no faith in anything. The happy pills from the psychiatrist are a total disappointment. I still get panic attacks even in a peaceful Buddhist temple. It is difficult for me to believe in ending this mental illness.

But there is a way. FINALLY.

The Ajahn Bhrams’ Anti-Virus Anxiety Software. 

For this program to work, one should download it when one is not having any anxiety.

When you are feeling secure, comfortable, relaxed, this is the time when you download this anti-virus anxiety software into your mind.

Say to yourself 3 times: When it happens, I will not get anxious.

So simple that it’s unbelievable it can work when all else failed.

But it works. Slowly but surely it works.

By saying to oneself in a calm setting, it is easier to tell the mind to not to react when anxiety is going to happen. Previously, my mind reacted violently against every small trigger and the process begins with chest tightness, sweaty hands, shaking, stomachache, faintness etc. Just pure insanity.

By being in a calm setting, it is very easy to input whatever what we want are mind to be.

So saying to oneself:” When it happens, I won’t be afraid, I won’t get anxious.” Slowly, the mind changes its bad habit of going nuts to one that does not react to the trigger.

I’m trying it out. Of course there are times doubt will set in. Thoughts like: Oh, nothing works, it won’t work for me later. Blah blah.

Can’t help that such thoughts can arise because of my education. If one can call it ‘education’. Well, guess I’ll have to learn to accept and change myself slowly. It’s not easy but it can be done. After all, if there’s no change, life would be boring.

So yeah, if you need free therapy and entertainment, just click on the buddha banner in the ‘Links’ and download! It’s free! Because it’s free, it’s priceless.

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Spirited Away (Blood+)

Saya to Hagi no kamikushi

Forgive me. I didn’t mean to create such a piece of kuso.

But I cannot resist joining in the 4 coma Blood+ parody.

Kinako san started it. (>_0)

Hagi’s shocked expression really blew me away.

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新暗行御史 (shin angyou onshi)*Recommended*

解慕漱 Hae Mo Su

解慕漱(Hae Mo Su) is so moe! Ah, this side character is the typical benevolent king who cares about nothing but his country and people. He didn’t make it past volume 14 when the absolutely evil 阿志泰 (A Ji Tae) ate him,starting from the head, and took on his form to lead the country into total destruction.

… … (>w<)

This manga series rocks. Excellent artwork and a tight plot. The creators are a two-man team. 尹仁完 (Youn In Wan)who writes the story and 梁慶一 (Yang Geon Il)who draws the manga.   The same way 小畑健would collaborate with writers by concentrating on the artwork of the manga.

My first love with Korean stuff is Ragnarok Online Magna Carta character designer, キム・ヒョンテ(Kim Hyung Tae).

His young male characters are androgynous, that is, one may mistake them for an ass-kicking babe.Why? Because they’ve got big eyes, medium to long rebonded hair and pert lips. His female characters are adorable(big eyes) and sexy(big boobs).

What made me fall so hopelessly in love with his works is the costume design. It’s nothing I’ve ever seen. Calintz’s hip-revealing pants, Rith’s yellow petal dress etc.

In  新暗行御史 , I see that similar tribal designs being used on the characters’ dress. And the female characters also have big bOObs!  

(≧w≦) I’m falling in love with Korean illustration. I must get that [KOREAN Illustration] artbook!!!

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Living Alone for A Day

parfum leau fenix-yea right 

I thought I couldn’t I thought I couldn’t…

But I could.

I could survive alone in the house for a day.

How did I end up in this situation?

My maid has gone to Myanmar for a week, my brother is stuck in camp doing national service and dad had an all-important business meeting in Kuala Lumpur.

I thought I was going to starve to death because I don’t know how to cook a proper meal. I can’t even light the stove for god’s sake! Furthermore, I’m prone to panic attacks and dizziness so living alone is a big test on my sanity.

That evening, I was already filled with anxiety and trepidation that I decided to have fish head beehoon for dinner, a definite comfort food to calm the senses. I dragged my tired body all the way to the hawker centre after work and shit. The damn stall’s closed.

So I bought some shitty preserved veggie duck soup from the neighbouring stall and headed home. I was so braindead I pressed the doorbell only to remember that there’s NOBODY to open the stupid door. After grumbling and digging for the stupid keys to unlock the stupid door, I finally let myself in.

Of course nature called and I went to the loo to answer it. Just as I stepped out, the mat under my feet slid forwards and I executed a half gymnastic split onto the floor. I don’t know how many F**K’s issued out of my mouth but I was amazed I didn’t pull a muscle or dislodge a spinal disc.

That’s shit encounter One.

I dragged myself to the kitchen and tried to find the rice pot so I can burn some rice for dinner. F**k, where the f**k is the rice pot? I see the rice cooker but no pot to put rice and water in. Dizzy with hunger, I opened the fridge and voila, there’s the rice pot with alot of stale rice in it.

Ok, old rice has been chucked into the bin and now I gotta cook a fresh batch.

I crouched to the lower cupboard where the rice bin is and took out a cup of rice. Suddenly…

A f**king brown thing sprang from the bag in front of the bin!

It’s a f**king baby cockroach! It landed on its back and started to struggle.

Dry up and die you f**king shit, I said as my heart pounded against my chest.

That’s shit encounter Two.

Ping! The rice cooker announced 2 mins later that the rice is ready for consumption.

I opened the cover and slammed it shut. All I saw was rice grains still swimming in water.

F**k I can’t even cook rice!!!

That’s shit encounter Three.

I searched the fridge for food and found a plastic bag of leftover vegetable. No idea what they are cos as long as it’s green, it’s vegetable. I chucked the veggie onto a sizzling pan and covered it. It was one minute later when I smelled something burn.

I didn’t know vegetables can burn so easily.

I drowned the scorching veggies in sukiyaki sauce and cracked 2 eggs over the mess, praying that I won’t have to crunch on charcoal for dinner with half-cooked rice and shitty soup.

Finally the stupid rice cooker ping-ed once more and this time, the rice looked fit for consumption. I plopped the egg-sukiyaki sauce-veggies into a bowl and voila… my dinner.

oishisou-janai.

For the rest of the night… I sat in front of my PC oebbsing.

The next morning, I headed for work…. … 1 hour later than usual. On the way to the station, a f**king mini car nearly ran me over. I nearly gave him the finger but I stopped my third finger from erecting itself as there’s a kid in the passenger seat.

That’s the last shit encounter.

What did I learn from living solo for a day?

  1. I can say the F-word so many times.
  2. I can cook…. maybe.
  3. If I marry, I need a husband who can be my personal chef and butler.
  4. That’s why my family thinks I should not marry but get a maid and a nurse instead.
  5. My grade for Home Economics should be F.

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