Dung-Picker Chronicles

 

Once upon a time, in a village called Twapa Yo, there was a family made up of 3 generations. Grandfather and grandmother, father and mother, 4 lovely daughters, 4 sons and a dog. Grandpa Ernst and Grandma Patty ran a nice little family business of dung-picking called ‘DungTastesTerrific’ in the village. The lord that rules the village of Twapa Yo is their only customer, the colossal HighlyDevelopedBum. There are other villagers running the same business of dung-picking such as Messrs. PeeWithCare, KrapPooMeansGold and EverYuck. Since the beginning of time, every springtime, HighlyDevelopedBum excretes a dunghill of such monstrous proportions, a map was created to differentiate each shit pile by activity. A royal dung-picker was sent to shovel this multi-storey muck from one spring to the next.
One day, the royal dung picker decided to lay his golden shovel to rest. With no dung-picker to move the evergrowing excreta around, HighlyDevelopedBum held a price contest to select the best dung-picker of the village. No one in the village could defeat DungTastesTerrific when it comes to a price contest. Passed down from generations is an enchanted shovel which halves the price and doubles the dung. It is with this shovel that Grandpa Ernst’s brother succeeded in earning the endless supply of dung from the Sing-and-Tell kingdom.
After having won the contest, Grandpa Ernst and Grandma Patty bade their son, Al Beetee and his wife, Veetee, to them. ‘My good son, I shall entrust you with the hard task of shovelling this new muck mountain. Do not fear the terrifying stinking heights nor the brown steaming abyss. With your wife and children, you can move mountains (of dung). Here are the spoons and begone.’
The children were called forth and every child was given a spoon. The mother then marched them off towards the massive muck mountain, keeping the youngest son called Angoose close to her.

Chapter 1

Grandfather Ernst Can. ‘Everything also Can’ is the motto of this eminent chief abbot of the Abbey of Unified Dung-pickers Immaculate Trinity. The immaculate trinity which is worshipped by every dung-picker comprises of 3 holy divinities whose concealed names are ,with all due reverence, MP,PM and R. As chief abbot, Grandfather Ernst conducts ceremonies to worship the immaculate trinity, leading every dung-picker to sing praises, fill the church with thick,thick smoke and chant ‘No exceptions noted’ repeatedly. Only he holds the secret of the legendary magic shovel which is hidden away in the dark depths of the abbey.

Grandmother Patty. Chief priestess of the abbey and consort to the chief abbot. She presides every ceremony and is blessed with the gift of multiplying dung for the occasion. The tale of an Adventure without an Ad is a well-known story which recounts the volumes of dung she showered upon a hapless group of dung pickers. The dung pickers built an ark out of paperclips and post-its to save themselves from the Great Deluge. They floated and swam in the torrential brown waters for weeks, paddling desperately from morning till the next morning until the viscous muck miraculously subsided. One of the survivors attributed the miracle to ‘Aim ‘ell Pee’ , claiming he was so busy thrashing in the muck to pee in the toilet, he did his business in his pants.It is said that to get a peace blessing from her, one has to offer a holy sacrifice called ‘Aim ‘ell Pee’. Vats of golden Aim ‘ell Pees are stacked carefully on the tabernacle everyday by the dung-dredging devotees. They have to aim well, pee and piss off the customers. ‘This makes the priestess very happy and everyday is a rewarding dung-picking day. To the Divine, nobody’s happiness matters, really.

The crucial link in the chain of command are Father Bee Tee and Mother Vee Tee. Make that a very big link. From the Divine perspective, Father Al BeeTee is the Alpha male, the head honcho, the boss, the Top Gun. But to the children, it is Mother Vee Tee who calls the shots. And the child who gets shot at frequently is none other than Angoose.

The 3 other sons are Diego, who had to leave his lover for the muck mission and receives all the shit pellets from the elder brothers. The only thing that nourishes him is Railway sandwiches; SeowLeow, who’s MIA most of the time and knows no dung about things; and ZeroGlam, who rains tonnes of shit pellets at Diego and was dealt a gruesome karmic blow later in this tale. Then, there’s the family dog called Kennel, who could lick a negro into an anglo-saxon. He particularly loves to lick at Father and Mother’s posteriors hence there was very little use of toilet paper for the household.

 I mentioned 4 lovely daughters in this tale but in actual fact, there were 7 daughters. The 3 daughters could smell the corrosive stink emitting from the muck mountain and fearing for the day when the stink that clogged their nostrils will be replaced by dung, they fled, in the dead of the night. Never to be seen again.

The remaining 4 daughters are Dora, the (Internet) Explorer who surfs the wifi waves in the sea of dung and marvelling at the wonderful visions from her magical telescope, aptly named yooTube; Stehoney, who also shares the same visions through the magical yooTube. She also has an amazing way of consuming Coy Bauble Tea. She EATS it for dinner; Denim, who is in charge of the larder and helps ease the load by whittling away excess junk food. She swoons whenever she hears someone call a sea named Chel or Roger from the Featherer clan;  Lastly, Wing Tee who retrieves the morning scrolls for the children to learn about the outside world and a persistent mural artist, scrawling mysterious figures and symbols on the white walls. It is through her eyes, the tale unfolds.

Chapter 1 end (chapter 2 akan datang. Wait lah. I on leave leh)…………………………

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