I was given 49 samples and the procedures are:
To vouch the progress billings to the contracts.
This means I have to swim through every damn scanned contract to find the relevant fees and dates. And if I haven’t drowned in business legalese, to vouch to the numerous invoices.
Thank god my audit senior is a nice and goofy woman. She scarfed down a giant bag of Lay’s chips and crapped with us. The audit asst 11 who did Sing&Tell with her told ghost stories… till we nearly freaked out in the client’s conference room. And the evil bitching about the evil manager who’s terribly rude to everyone (which explains the shrinking profit margins and high staff turnover…we think)
So that’s my 1st day with JustDieAlready (S’pore)Pte Ltd.
These 2 days I’ve been assisting a senior by checking and casting the financial statements, sending the drafts for typing and … …
Delivering the final product to the client’s place for signing.
In these 2 days, the senior would usually send me off with the documents in the late morning and at 6pm. As these things have to be delivered by hand and fast, I was allowed to take a taxi to the client’s isolated location. And in these 2 days, I met all kinds of taxi drivers.
The 1st one was a local Indian. (There’s a big difference between the local Indian and the apune. Nobody likes apunes. They’re noisy and they smell.) He plays very soothing muzak in his taxi and I felt like I’m in a spa. He said that he likes to listen to muzak because it reminds him of being in Changi airport. He seems like a real nice uncle who keeps wondering why young girls nowadays “excuse me ma’am for saying this, love to show off the crack of their butts”. He complained that some girls as young as 16 would offer to have sex with the taxidrivers as payment for the ride. He’s one very moralistic uncle.
The 2nd taxi driver I flagged in the evening (taxi hell-hour) was an auntie who asked me in a loud voice in Mandarin: “LEMME ASK YOU. YOU BOOKED A TAXI DIDN’T YOU? DID YOU CANCEL IT? HOW CAN YOU DO SUCH AN IRRESPONSIBLE THING BY GETTING INTO MY TAXI?” True, I did book a taxi but the operator did not give me the taxi number. I explained to her and told her it’s also my 1st time booking a taxi. She called me a swakoo ninja turtle.
Auntie:”Waah, there’s a big jam at the CTE leh. It’s already 6.25pm and you tell me your client is expecting you to arrive at 6.30pm. You’re gonna be late.”
Me:”Auntie, I believe in you.”
Auntie:”Walau! Don’t stress me lah! When you say that, I get even more stressed! This is a taxi leh! You think I’m piloting a helicopter ah?! If I’m piloting one, I can definitely make sure you reach your client within 5 mins. Why should I drive you anyway? You never support us by taking taxis more often.”
Me:”I want to! But the thing is, I just graduated so I don’t have the monetary resources to support you.”
Auntie:”Koaz, you sure know how to crap. Can’t see that from your looks.”
Me:”Never judge a book by it’s cover. No surprise lah, auntie, I studied too much, that’s why my head’s abit screwed and full of crap.”
This auntie told me that the residents in the Institute of Mental Health are mostly university graduates, teachers and other highly-educated professionals. She had visited some and was surprised to find one of them requesting for some chicken rice in perfect English. Probably that’s why she did not disagree with my explanation that education loosened a few screws in my head.
In the end, we reached the place at 6.35pm. The auntie refused to wait for me so I had to leave the ulu place by foot and by bus.
The next morning, I was dispatched to the same place again. This taxi driver is a real bastard. He doesn’t seem to like to talk. I asked him if he could wait for me while I pass the documents to the client. The bastard said he needed to fill up his petrol tank and promised that he would come back for me. So I paid him and went to see the client. When I came back 10 mins later, there’s no one. I waited for another 15 mins. Still no f**king taxi. In the end, I had to walk to the main road to have lunch at a nearby kopitiam. Food sucked…
Stranded and lost, I decided to book a taxi. This taxidriver uncle is…. one would never have guessed it… a retired auditor from PwC! He worked for 8 years since the late 80’s and he told me of how he led his audit team in various engagements, making them work hard and telling his boss to shut up. What worried me was not the stuff he was talking about. He had both of his hands off the steering wheel while we’re cruising through the expressway! Thank goodness I’m still alive.
In the evening, I was told to deliver some documents to the same client again. It’s taxi hell-hour. I couldn’t even book a taxi because the operators were all busy. I decided to leave everything to fate. So the 1st taxi came.”Clementi?”the lady behind me asked and the taxidriver nodded. Off they went. The 2nd taxi came, the driver asked “Orchard?” and another lady behind me got on the taxi. My head was reeling.
The 3rd taxi came and I yelled “Hougang?”. The uncle shrugged and motioned me to get in. This uncle is by far the most adorable taxidriver I’ve ever met. His name is Pat, a 55 year old single with an island of scalp on his head. He asked me why I look so flustered. I told him I’m late and the client is waiting for the documents.
Pat:”Relax…There’s a jam and there’s nothing you can do. Well, you can tell your client that. If she’s unreasonable, you can tell her my father will settle things with her tonight. He’s on vacation now anyway.”
Me:”Uh… right…Your father…?”
Pat:”You know what I’m saying? It’s the 7th month mah, my deceased father is here on holiday. He can meet your client and I guarantee, things will be settled so don’t worry.”
From there, we began chatting and I got to know that Pat’s soooooo 三八(he keeps saying ‘小妹，我跟你讲hor’ and called his fat passenger ‘你这个死肥猪，给我滚。我不要载你！’). I even told him that in his face. The way he speaks and his behavior is a carbon copy of my elder cousin Ah Kuang. I now can imagine how Ah Kuang would be like in his 50’s. Pat told me he’s a divorcee and he thinks he’s gay because he had a platonic relationship with a guy in UK. Pat’s a real lovable person and it’s so fun to chat with him. He’s also real nice enough to wait for me at the client’s place before sending me home.
Me:”Anyway, what’s your name?’
Pat:”You can call me Patrick.”
Me:”I think I should call you Patty. You’re such a cute person.”
Pat:”你要死啊! Anyway, will the company reimburse you?”
Me:”Yes, they will so don’t worry uncle, it’s alright if you miss the turn just now.
Pat:”You should have said so earlier. I should have driven a few more rounds back and to your client’s place.”
Me:”How about you drive us to a Kopitiam and let your meter run while we have some tea?”
When I reached home, I opened my wallet and took out the remaining $30 in it to pay for the taxi fare. I’m officially bankrupt with no cash in hand. It is very expensive to be a deliveryman.
… … ＯＴＬ
I swam through FRS1, FRS12 and FRS 170 (There’s 3 more to go…) where I nearly drowned in accounting jargon. The words are in English but why is it that I still cannot understand what is being written? Is it really English?!
To add to my misery, there’s over 90 slides of text (font size 18), no pictures, no animation and only 4 colours- blue, white, red and yellow. Even my professor is human enough to put some flying text boxes and cliparts into her slides! I pity the people who have to listen to this presentation. Somebody help them.
Every morning, I’ll chant to my maid: “I don’t wanna go to work!” or “I wish I don’t have to work!” etc. I’ve been doing that for almost a year now.
And now, all that I wanted… I’ve gotten it.
I’ve got nothing to do.(other than e-learning which is Audit 101 all over again. Yuck.)
Everyone I know are now on assignments, trooping all over the island and getting down to some real work. And me? I just sit on my desk staring into the tiny toilet-window of a screen doing some e-learning.
Otherwise I’ll let my ears wander to the Japanese services department where the lady associate keeps saying “Hai, hai, wakarimashita. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.”
Or my eyes wander to the same department where the guy from the Japanese member firm is working for his secondment, Mr Miyashita Atsushi (@寿司).
It’s very easy to remember his name because he introduced himself as At-Sushi on our first day. Miss 1wRong and me were guffawing at his crippling self- introduction.(he didn’t have breakfast in the morning?) Hmm, wished we could talk to him. I bet our opening line would go like this: “Miyashita san, oishisou …” （めんご）
Well, I was very excited yesterday when I saw online that I was assigned CM Investments for a month. Until Miss 1wRong pointed out that the person-in-charge has an apune name. And she added : “All the apune jokes you’ve been telling… now you’re getting all the bad karma“. “Yea”,I replied, “I really think by making me work with an apune for a month, karma is trying to teach me that apunes are humans too.”
But this morning, when I checked online, the assignment disappeared. I’m totally free. Stupid apune trying to play with my job list huh. F**ker.
So yea, I’m so bored the senior sitting next to me could sense my ennui and she gave me some administrative work to do. You know, the very basic OL tasks like printing documents, collecting materials, pasting reinforcement rings, preparing files etc. I’m quite happy to do mindless tasks. At least it keeps my hands busy. It’s very tiring to look hardworking when there’s absolutely nothing to do.
Anything is better than e-learning (I suppose…)
One of my group mates returned from a solo statutory audit. Sigh… how I wish I had his assignment (anything but e-learning!). I know basically what documents to gather for evidence because I’ve done it at Ganasaikang.
Well, having nothing to do is just as good. I’ll be content.
I’m happy Miss 1wRong, who is distributing apples on Fruit Day came to visit me at my desk today and she asked me a question:
1wRong: “Hey, how do you say ‘Would you like an apple‘ in Japanese?”
Me:”Umm… I’m not sure… I only know how to say ‘May I have an apple?’,’リンゴをください’ . Aiyah, why don’t you say ‘リンゴ、ほしい？’ . Or maybe ‘リンゴを食べなさい’. If they refuse, you should say ‘ リンゴ食べろよ！食え!‘”
1wRong (looks at me sarcastically):”Ha-Ha-.”
Me:”… … ”
Me:”What? I’m not your mother! あなたのお母さんじゃないわよ！”
1wRong:”… … Huh?! ”
Me:”はは is mother in Japanese. Thank goodness when you laugh, you don’t go ‘Chi-chi-chi-chi‘.”
1wRong beats up Arzen.
…I think Cloud shouldn’t touch the Potion. It’s black…(BGM: One-Winged Angel)
In 1997, Square released FF7 which shook the gaming world. And now, in 2007, Square Enix shakes the (franchising) world once again in FF7’s 10th anniversary. This time with Sony, releasing limited edition PSP bundles, each metallic silver PSP with the Crisis Core design in the back and serially numbered from 00000 to 77777. Slimmer, sexier and … with a smaller screen (ぶっぶー). Well, I’m content with my current black ‘boyfriend’. I just can’t wait for FF7:Crisis Core!!! It is 20% of the reasons why I got a PSP!!!