It was a happy Monday morning as I dragged myself to the office to get briefed on the So-late-one (a subsidiary of Fluxtronics) assignment. (-_-)
And joy! The manager told us he might have to release me and another assistant from this So-late-one because the company is really “so late one” in getting the accounts ready for us to pick at.
So, what has that got to do with a Chinese who hates her own race? Be patient. I’m getting into the part on how I got myself this wonderful revelation.
Stripped of a job on the 1st day of the work week, I went to sit with Radeeca and Bavanee, who were booked on the same job. The other assistant, Hareen was on medical leave. I was quite amused that all the assistants in this particular job are ethnically Indian. And coincidentally, I know Radeeca, Bavanee and Hareen. Radeeca probably hates seeing me jobless and having a free time. She suggested that I join them and substitute Hareen for a day. I said:”Ok.”
Better to work with friends than getting dumped into some shithole by the ResourceMutilationTeam.
So after getting the nod from the senior in charge, we zipped off to Beach road to Age-is Medium Asia Pacific Management (AiMAPM).
Coincidentally, a mutual friend of Radeeca and me, ＴｗＴ, used to work in this company. (Coincidentally, ＴｗＴ has the same first name as me and we worked on the dreadful SmallMediumBig United last month.) More coincidentally, on the 1st evening while Bavanee and I were crossing the road, ＴｗＴ was in the taxi that was just making a turn at the road! So surreal, man!
We were sitting around, waiting for our dear senior to dish out the work for each of us. I can’t recall what went on between the 2 of them as I was busy socialising with Bavanee and Radeeca. Somehow, our heads turned towards the financial controller, Belittle Chink (ethnically Chinese by the way…). She was… scolding the senior.
Well, I’ve no idea over what. Definitely nothing to do with outstanding matters or our audit work because we haven’t even started! Probably because my senior’s cute and pretty and she’s not.
Our senior dished out the parts for each of us to do and prepared the necessary documents for us while we little assistants went for lunch at Bugis Junction. She was gone when we came back after a satisfying lunch with bubble tea in tow.
We got down to work and naturally, questions arise. Figures can’t tie and documents were needed. So I went to Belittle Chink to ask her for the information and documents I needed.
Me:” Hi, Belittle. Can you tell me how frequent is the payment cycle?”
She looked very. very stressed. And she looked at me as if I was the last person she’d want to see.
Belittle:”Your people had already audited Age-is Medium Asia Pacific in January! Don’t you know the payment cycle’s the same? It’s the same, okay?”
Me:”Well, I just want to clarify with you. Do you have alot of unpaid invoices that have been kept from 2007 till to date? I’d like to see them.”
She frowned with gusto.
Belittle:”2! Twice a month. We always pay on time. We have very little unpaid invoices. yaddayaddayaddadipedidooday.”
Well, I got my stuff anyway.
On the 2nd day, I decided to start on operating expenses. I needed the various ledger accounts to pick my samples from. So after sifting through the pile of papers, I prepared a list of accounts for Belittle to provide.
Me:” Hi Belittle, could you provide me with the following accounts? I’ve gone through the pile and these are the ones I can’t find.”
She looked very, very stressed. And she looked at me as if I was scum.
Belittle:” You can’t find? I’ve given all the schedules to your senior and she said she’s photocopied every piece of them! Cannot be! One of the girls sitting beside you asked me about this account just now. Go and get it from her! I’m not going to print for you because I’m very sure I’ve given everything to your senior.”
Okay, now that’s odd. The girl sitting right next to me is Bavanee and no way in hell she’s been tasked to check on that particular account.
Me:”Well, right. I’ll check with her. But what about these other accounts?”
She rubbed her eyes and looked at the list.
Belittle:”These others, I can print for you. Go and check on that account with that girl in the meantime.”
I walked to Bavanee and enquired about the particular account. As expected, Bavanee swore she’d never seen it before. I walked back to Belittle’s office.
Me:”Well, my colleague told me she did not see the schedule. Are you sure it’s her, Bavanee, over there?”
Belittle:”What? Your neighbour came in just now to ask on that account and… yaddayaddadipedidooday”
Me:”That girl who’s next to me over there is Bavanee. The one sitting closest to your office is Radeeca. Could it be Radeeca you were talking about?”
Belittle stopped her yaddayaddadipedidooday and pointed at Radeeca.
Belittle:” Your neighbour lah! Sitting next to you.”
Someone kill me(preferably her). Radeeca was sitting a metre away from me. I was of a more neighbourly distance from Bavanee than Radeeca.
Me:”Ok, now that we’ve got this sorted out. May I ask what is this ‘Research’ account about?”
Belittle began stabbing the keyboard with her fingers violently. I swear I’ve never seen such violence done to a computing device in my life. The keys were shrieking as they were jabbed and punched. She could just type a hole out of the keyboard, man.
Belittle:”This is just a dummy account”
Belittle looked at me as if I was the dummy.
Belittle:” What? So surprised. Never seen before ah?”
Seriously. I thought all that yaddadidooday was because she’s stressed over getting paid $11,000 a month and/or she generally finds auditors a repulsive lot.
Until I asked Radeeca and Bavanee whether Belittle was mean to them the way she was to my senior (ethnically Chinese by the way) and me.
Radeeca: “No. ”
What the f**k.
Me:”She must be racist, against her own race! She hates Chinese! It’s so obvious! And what’s worse, she’s Chinese!!! Too bad I’m yellow-skinned. Perhaps I should’ve gone for a really dark tan or something and pass myself off as Indian.”
Well. There ends a creepy chapter.
Despite the terror Belittle Chink wrought in or hearts and minds, Radeeca , Bavanee and I felt that this is a pretty enjoyable job. Bavanee even commented: “Feels like a holiday.” I guess having bubble tea every day after lunch and with nil senior presence, a job can really be a holiday!
We got to enjoy a joke or two everyday particularly at the client’s expense (and Belittle’s reverse xenophobic complex).
For instance, Bavanee was looking at the audit fees account and we started wondering aloud whether an audit firm could sue the client for overdue fees.
Me:” The client can refuse to pay by citing poor cashflow. I wonder if ‘Delete & Touch Tomatoes’ has a legal department specialising in suing and getting our money back”
Bavanee:”No. I don’t think such a department exists. So weird.”
Me:”Hmm… Yeah. Anyway, we can audit this client and write on the report for the shareholders to see, something like … … Contingent liabilty : Delete & Touch Tomatoes. “