I think I think too much (x_x)

Don’t be afraid.

That’s what I feel she’s saying when I looked at this picture after I’ve finished it.

(ah, but art is so subjective to various perspectives, just like life)

She could be saying the following:

  • Come! Let’s elope and be gone with the wind~! 
  • Can you spare me a penny?
  • What do you mean I’m going to get run over by a car? Are you a certified fortune teller? Give me my palm back! (note the bright headlights behind her)
  • See, I’ve got 5 fingers too. 1…2…3…5. Yes, 5 fingers.

Don’t mind me, I’m being retarded.

I’m trying to be retarded actually.

To slow my thoughts down and achieve more calmness in my head.

I know you can smell it coming… yes… it’s Ajahn Bhrams…

This morning, I woke up the wrong way. I woke with a funny, ticklish feeling in my gut and I can’t scratch at it. And on my way to work, the MRT platform made me rather nervous, as usual. But the anxious feelings were much less intense.

So I just kept thinking… about what it used to be like being insane with fear, what am I going to do if I have another attack again, why can’t I shit this morning, maybe I might get a stomachache or faint in the train and oh damn my hands are sweaty now so I’d better hold onto something luckily I brought medicated oil but will it work damn it why can’t this stop it’s all my parents’ fault I’m like this crap I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this but I think I can blah blah blah

Incessant thoughts were whirling like a tornado in my head.

The more I think, the more stressed I get. Who’s the idiot who said he’d prefer to be sad but thinking like Socrates to a blissfully happy fool? Obviously he doesn’t know how to use his brain well.

With such a busy busy head, I could hardly think the stuff  that needed to be thought.

And when thoughts come too fast, as Ajahn Bhrams had observed, the afflicted person simply goes crazy. Not goofy crazy. It’s mental institution crazy.

And that was one of my fears back then and even now sometimes.

My mind is too wild at times. Yet the more I try to control, telling it to shut the hell up, the worse it got. But there is a way and it’s simply 2 words which Ajahn Brahms repeats time an again in his dhamma talks.

Let Go.

Yeah, easier said than done. Ok, mind, I’m letting it go now. C’mon mind, you are supposed to calm down. Heel boy heel! Damn you. Now I’m breathing too fast.

Well, that’s not the way. It’s not letting go.

Letting go means, as Ajahn Brahms puts it, opening the door of one’s heart to everything that’s bugging one. To learn to accept and embrace fully the very thing that’s bugging us.

It’s more like: Ok, I cannot really do anything about this because these anxious feelings are a part of this body,so alright, I’m not gonna fight it. It feels terrible but hey, this is the body and head which nature gave me so I’ll just make do. Since it’s a part of the whole package I’ll accept it. I’ll try not to complain too much.

And it does get better. The thoughts become less and the mind slows down a little.

The slower and calmer the mind gets, the better it is because all the energy is being conserved instead of wasted on useless, stress-inducing thoughts.

That’s why I’m trying to be retarded. Nothing wrong with being a blissful happy fool.

And what happened to the big thinker, Socrates? Well, he mixed himself a nice cup of hemlock, drank it  and died.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Personally exposed, The Funny and the weird

2 responses to “I think I think too much (x_x)

  1. rong

    dear! u did it! i’m so proud of you! u can do it one alright? =)

  2. Thank you.
    It’s really difficult to be retarded at all times. You’re more retarded than me. I envy you. Hahahahaha-!

    An instant way to be retarded is to take a very hard wall and apply the head onto it very quickly, and with great force. Very risky…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s