I went to the temple of the Goddess of Mercy with my aunt/maid yesterday not just as an excuse to get a half day leave from Ganasaikang.
I had a need to seek some divine help from these months of bad health and mental torment.
When the faithless go to seek divine help, it is a sign that they have exhausted means to help themselves and this is the last resort. I never had much faith(religion) and most of the time when I offer incense, it’s a gesture of formality. I used to go to church in my high school days (since it’s a Catholic school) and these guys in church always say “You must have faith in God”. I didn’t really get it at that time. Why must you believe in something that’s intangible, invisible and a figment of imagination? One can’t always rely on this invisible being alone, expecting it to drop food and clothes from the sky.
At that time, I only believed in the tangible because I had so much hope and faith in myself that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to.
Now, things are different. I’ve never felt so weak, so lost,so afraid to die and yet wanted to die so I won’t have to suffer anymore. I no longer believe I’m mentally and physically strong enough to chase the dreams I abandoned 4 years ago.
Everyday I only concern myself with controlling my panic attacks and emotional turbulence, hiding it so I can appear as my normal self. My aching body feels like it’s going to give anytime. I have no idea what kind of disease this is. I really wish it’s a physical problem, like Addison’s disease or what not. But the doctors back then said it’s only an anxiety attack.
(0_0) (F–k them.)
I prayed earnestly for health and happiness (and a compassionate DT manager). My aunt got me those chopsticks where you play the game of probability by shaking the container until one chopstick with a number on it falls out. After tossing and shaking for 10 mins with a few breaks in between, one chopstick finally came out.
The guys gave me a thin, pink slip of paper and after reading it, I finally understood why people believe in gods they cannot see. In this case, why so many people and millionaires flock to this temple.
The slip of paper read: A pagoda erected at a great cost. It gleams from every angle. Be a bit more pious and pray. Heaven will bless you for what you are doing.
And below that paragraph is the interpretation: You have luck. People see it. Do not worry. Many good times are ahead.
This is what I want to read to keep me going. Who could expect such a small thin piece of crepe to save a person’s hopes and give so much comfort and courage to face another day?