Not that feeling again…F**king Pissed

Say thy prayers…
SHIT!I’m feeling all that angst which I thought should have dissolved with age.
It began when my dad talked about banking jobs in the morning.
I’ve been seething and swimming in a huge range of emotions for the whole day and…
*peers at clock” it’s 1 hour before midnight and I’m still feeling the inflammatory desire to bash something.

On the train my heart was pounding and I thought: Maybe I should just get a heart attack and die right here. No point in living as myself. My worth is merely on how much I can earn.

I’m not going to be a f**king banker! Can he stop his damn fantasy?!! I’m not my brilliant doctor cousin or his brother. I don’t have the drive nor passion to scale the corporate ladder or get a $9000/mth job.

If I’m pissed enough I could just pack my bags, get a plane ticket to Japan, Europe wherever and leave without notice.
I was that pissed off and emotionally wacked.

This reminds me of Louisa from Charles Dickens’ ‘Hard Times’.
She began to dissolve inside as she gave in to her fact-worshipping academic father.
Rich in brains and lived up to his expectations, but poor in the heart.
She gave herself to Mr Bounderby, a middle-class rich old man who dumps her in the end.

Of course I may entertain such destructive thoughts when I get ultra pissed but that is to vent my angst with imagination. (What would be more effective is a punching bag for me to kick and pound into rags.)
There are ‘Louisa’s out there who do screw up their lives.
Recently I met up with my ol’ JC tutor who’s planning a sex ed talk.(Bwahahahaha!!!)
He revealed that there’s a girl in the Gifted programme, all smart and seemingly streetwise…
yet she let herself get laid by a jerk until she got pregnant. Just because she needed love and for affirming her self-worth.
The jerk got on with his life happily while the girl was left an emotional wreck who had problems even in making a passing grade.

*kicks table*

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3 Comments

Filed under Pissed

3 responses to “Not that feeling again…F**king Pissed

  1. Anonymous

    dear, i’m not trying to be a counsellor, but have you ever considered why your father keeps bringing up this topic of you going into the finance industry? maybe you should try to understand from his point of view, his rationale of wanting you to go there instead of tying yourself up in knots. sometimes, to him, it’s for your interests that he said that. very often, many people only see things from their point of views, including you and me. but maybe if we see things from each other’s point of views, then we can somehow reach an equilibrium. it’s gonna to be hard. but if we don’t try, we’ll never know isn’t it? if we don’t try, we’d have just lost the battle. really. give it a try. spend some time talking to him to understand why he keeps wanting u to be a banker. maybe you can be the one to enlighten him that life is more than jsut money? you never know the results til you try… we’ll talk more on sat k? take care dear, til SAT!!! =P ~rong~

  2. Arzen

    Hey dearie!!!
    Thanks for being K-Po, I really needed it. Seriously.

    I tried already…
    And it always ends in tears. =(
    Especially when I let him know what I really want to do.
    His response is ” how much can you earn? For what?”

    sigh. Hard nut to crack man.
    And when I get these horrible feelings, it’s really really bad that it scares me because even though I KNOW these wild thoughts are irrational, my emotions are going the other way.
    I guess I had a tough time trying to rationalise the situation & dealing with the expectations gap of my identity.
    Maybe I need Prozac. (>m< )! No lah, 1wRong’s cake made with TLC is a more effective cure for my broken heart.(*w*)

  3. Anonymous

    Hey dearie! Hmm…i think you’re really nice cos you actually bothered what ur dad says. And tt’s prolly why u’re unhappy. If i were u, i’ll just treat what they say as ‘singing’ but i’ll cont with what i wana do. What can he actually do to stop u? Just take one step at a time ba, u’ll need money first b4 u wana board the plane to japan with moi! -tp-

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