Say thy prayers…
SHIT!I’m feeling all that angst which I thought should have dissolved with age.
It began when my dad talked about banking jobs in the morning.
I’ve been seething and swimming in a huge range of emotions for the whole day and…
*peers at clock” it’s 1 hour before midnight and I’m still feeling the inflammatory desire to bash something.
On the train my heart was pounding and I thought: Maybe I should just get a heart attack and die right here. No point in living as myself. My worth is merely on how much I can earn.
I’m not going to be a f**king banker! Can he stop his damn fantasy?!! I’m not my brilliant doctor cousin or his brother. I don’t have the drive nor passion to scale the corporate ladder or get a $9000/mth job.
If I’m pissed enough I could just pack my bags, get a plane ticket to Japan, Europe wherever and leave without notice.
I was that pissed off and emotionally wacked.
This reminds me of Louisa from Charles Dickens’ ‘Hard Times’.
She began to dissolve inside as she gave in to her fact-worshipping academic father.
Rich in brains and lived up to his expectations, but poor in the heart.
She gave herself to Mr Bounderby, a middle-class rich old man who dumps her in the end.
Of course I may entertain such destructive thoughts when I get ultra pissed but that is to vent my angst with imagination. (What would be more effective is a punching bag for me to kick and pound into rags.)
There are ‘Louisa’s out there who do screw up their lives.
Recently I met up with my ol’ JC tutor who’s planning a sex ed talk.(Bwahahahaha!!!)
He revealed that there’s a girl in the Gifted programme, all smart and seemingly streetwise…
yet she let herself get laid by a jerk until she got pregnant. Just because she needed love and for affirming her self-worth.
The jerk got on with his life happily while the girl was left an emotional wreck who had problems even in making a passing grade.